7 Ways You Can Die In A House

I love the built environment. Every house, from beautiful turn of the century jewels to lifeless utilitarian cubes, every road, from charming cobble stoned alleys to busy 4 lane streets, everything that has to do with cities and the infrastructure and buildings within them I just adore.

But without geeking out on architecture and urbanism (I’ll definitely be doing that on another article) and keeping in mind that Halloween is approaching I thought I could look at how the built environment I so deeply love CANKILLMEATAMOMENTSNOTICE.

Here are some of the weirdest ways in which a number of unfortunate souls met their demise at the hand of the buildings that surround them or the objects stored within them.


1. Just Buy a Kindle and You’ll Be Fine

Everyone can think of at least one tight spot in their home where they can possible get stuck; a crammed pantry, some part of the basement or a really small attic. However, Mariesa Weber managed to get herself killed by slipping behind the bookcase in her room. Supposedly, the 38-year-old woman from Pasco County was trying to plug in her TV when she slipped and fell behind her 6 feet tall bookcase. Being unable to set herself free, the woman eventually died of suffocation.

She was found 11 days later by accident after a huge missing persons search was set in place by her worried family.

Here’s a tip no interior designer will ever give you, make sure you can push over any piece of furniture you’re ever going to buy.


2. You Will NEVER Look at a Chair the Same Way Again 

In the most horrific story ever written with letters, an unnamed 14-year-old boy from China apparently died after the gas cylinder of his chair exploded sending what can basically be described as shrapnel into his rectum.

Just remember that when you’re nonchalantly adjusting the height on your office chair. In the meantime, I’m buying regular-normal-safe-chair stock in case this story ever trends and people suddenly stop buying adjustable chairs.


3. There is No Such Thing as 100% Safe When It Comes To Swimming Pools

I can’t swim very well. It’s one of the many things that may end up killing me in case of a zombie apocalypse or a trip to the seaside.

This being said, I still planned to install an awesome swimming pool when I became a homeowner and just be careful around it until I learned how to swim better. I scrapped that plan as apparently there is no such thing as being safe next to a swimming pool. I say this because a 31-year-old man named Jerome Moody drowned at a lifeguard party thrown to celebrate a no-drowning season in New Orleans.

In case you missed it, a man died at a lifeguard party, with 4 lifeguards on guard.

So instead of a swimming pool, my future home’s entertainment and relaxation section will come with something safe like a series of giant death-pendulums swimming over my backyard.

4. In News That Shocks No One: Hoarding Can Kill

Homer and Langley Collyer, brothers from a rich and somewhat prestigious New York family, were killed by their eccentric hoarding habits. The brothers became extremely private, basically shut-ins after their parents died sometime during the 1920s. 

In 1947, a neighbor of the brother’s Harlem brownstone called the authorities when a pestilential smell was oozing from the next-door building. Police found the blind and crippled Homer Collyer dead, surrounded by ALL THE THINGS IN THE WORLD. I’m not kidding, among other things, police officers found an X-ray machine, tons of newspapers, books, furniture and a horse’s jawbone. #justelittlethings #poorpeopledontunderstand

With no trace of his brother, Langley, police probably thought he was in some way responsible for the death and launched a US-wide manhunt. However, 180 tons of cleared out trash later, officers found the rat bitten cadaver of Langley which was apparently crushed by a giant stack of newspapers.

No shtick for this one.

5. People That Bother You While You’re Playing Are Saving Your Life

If you were born sometime after 1903, you probably have some sort of gaming system in your home. Be it a PC, laptop, or console system, you probably have your own special corner where you can delve deep into whatever time-sapping, mind-numbing, soul-enriching games you play. 

But for the love of God, whenever you’re preparing to go on a gaming bender, please remember to get up, stretch a bit maybe go to the kitchen and fix a sandwich or do anything that gets the blood moving.

Otherwise, you might end up like the 18-year-old Taiwanese youth known only as Chuang, who went on a 40 hour Diablo III marathon that killed him. The young man apparently died from a blood clot that had formed due to him not moving an inch while playing the game for hours on end.

Dying in your underwear and stained old t-shirt, while heading towards the bathroom with chip and Snickers wrappers all around you is certainly not a great way to go. At least that’s what the post-it stuck to my laptop screen says from now on.

6. YOU ARE NEVER ******* SAFE!!!

Whenever I have a crap day ahead of me or am going through a boring or unpleasant experience I always think that no matter how bad it gets now or how long it takes, I’ll be safely in my bed at the end of the day. I don’t think I’m alone in thinking about the bed as the absolute safe place.

This is what Joao Maria De Souza probably thought as well. The 45-year-old Brazilian man was safely in his bed, sleeping next to his wife when a freaking ton and a half cow fell through his roof crushing him to death!!!!

Yes, apparently a cow from a nearby farm escaped and climbed on De Souza’s roof by way of a hill situated right next to the man’s house. The structure gave way under the bovine’s weight and he cow came plummeting down and crushed the man who was sound asleep in his bed. Oddly, his wife which was sleeping right next to him escaped uninjured, as did the cow.

De Souza didn’t die on the spot, however, he did pass away a couple of hours later due to internal injuries.

I’m just … I mean… it’s…. I just don’t…

7. Smelling Good Can Cost You Your Life

Teenager Jonathan Capewell passed away due to a heart attack after he had 10 times the normal

dosage of propane and butane in his blood. The 16-year-old was apparently so obsessed with deodorant and smelling nice that he covered his entire body in deodorant twice a day. The gases filled his room to the point where his parents could taste them downstairs.

The lesson here isn’t to keep a close eye on your kids, nor is it to talk to them about hygiene and social norms, not even to ensure they are supplied with 100% natural, harmless substances. Just teach your kid to embrace fresh air and crack open a window every now and then and these things can be avoided.